


The Hornocruxes Part VII: Walnuts and Bananas

by BadBoiReeRee



Series: The Hornocruxes - A Lord Voldemort Fanfic [6]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Food Issues, Human Sacrifice, M/M, Magic Revealed, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:21:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25064590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadBoiReeRee/pseuds/BadBoiReeRee
Summary: Ron has a finals class and uncovers a dark secret that could destroy the very fabric of time and space. Will he succeed? Will his love for Harry ever be reciprocated? And why are there so many waffles and bananas on his desk?
Relationships: Harry Potter/Ron Weasley, Severus Snape/Ron Weasley
Series: The Hornocruxes - A Lord Voldemort Fanfic [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1705240
Kudos: 6





	The Hornocruxes Part VII: Walnuts and Bananas

Ron was running fast towards the potions classroom. It was the end of the term, and he knew that if he didn’t pass his finals, he would have to repeat the 2nd year for the 34th time, something that would make Mrs. Weasley very unhappy. He might be kicked out of his home, left to beg in the streets and/or sell his pliant body to wizard prostitution. He might have to traffic illegal dragon babies or worse, become Hagrid’s real-life body pillow. He always dreamt of becoming an auror like his father, who lovingly called him “stand-in Harry,” or “lesser Bill.” While studies were never his strong suit, he knew that his father’s love - and his father’s connections – would carry him far. Those and his pure bloodedness would allow him to coast through life, which had, so far, not been disproven.

There were a few things that flashed through Ron’s mind before he entered the classroom. He had forgotten to turn off the oven in his apartment; he left his robe and socks in his room; he forgot to brush his teeth and turn off the TV; and he neglected to pray to his Harry shrine, for this he must profusely prostrate himself several times in front of the photo of Harry in his wizard locker.

He worried about all of the people he might disappoint should he fail to pass: Ginny, his mother, Harry, and Hermione. Or in his mind: _woman who may blue-quaffle me with Harry_ , _woman who will remove my quaffles_ , _The Boy Whom I live For_ , and _the woman with whom I develop a relationship to perpetuate hetero-normative gender roles_.

He could avoid Ginny and his mother, but Hermione and Harry might be more difficult to hide from. He was working on a specific spell to cancel out the frequencies in Hermione’s voice; however this might not protect him from the daily cauldron swirlies that she enjoyed giving him every potions class. For that he might need to learn an anti-pain and anti-flesh-melting spell.

He could not afford to disappoint Harry, for whom he would gladly eat all of the butterbeer cookies (even though he suffered a severe, debilitating lactose intolerance, was allergic to any form of alcohol, and couldn’t eat any food aside from walnuts and bananas). He was the Boy Who Lived for The Boy Who Lived. He would do anything for him, like carrying his trunk, transporting his gross bird, spurning his potential suitors, and burping up frogs on command. He liked to believe that Harry needed him, that his presence was welcomed. _Necessary even._

All of these thoughts passed through Ron’s mind like the many quaffles that passed him as goalkeeper in quidditch or the many waffles that would pass through his bowels during holiday brunch. As he neared the classroom, his heart raced more, and he felt like passing out from the erection that he was getting from thinking about The Boy Who Lived bobbles. In fact, he did pass out, but only for 12 minutes before he got up again and walked sluggishly to the door.

With his sweaty hand on the door’s competent knob, he closed his eyes.

He recited,

_I open at the chodes, Harry’s chodes. I will part my legs for his gillyweed chocolate frogs. I am his Fizzy Whizbees._

**Aloha mora!**

As Ron cried the spell, there was a crack and a bang. The door flew off its hinges and thudded to the ground. Ron entered the room from the smoke like a hero.

As his eyes adjusted to the light, he noticed that no one was sitting down. The room was occupied by solely walnuts and bananas.

**_“What is going on here?”_ **

He sat down and stared at the walnuts and bananas lying seductively on the table.

“Well, maybe everyone is late. They won’t mind if I just help myself…” and Ron started to shovel the walnuts and bananas in his mouth like the cookie monster, except he wasn’t blue, eating cookies, or a Muppet.

A few minutes later, Snape entered the classroom. He saw Ron sitting, his back turned to the door. He stood in the doorway, in shock and terror.

Then he walked up the boy and furiously slammed a book upon his head.

 **“OWWW!!! Wh-what, oh, hey pwofezzur!”** said Ron, saliva and blood spewing from his open mouth.

Snape took Ron and then kissed him aggressively on the forehead.

“Mr. Weasley, do.. _do you know what you have just done?_ ” he asked with a grave expression on his face.

Ron looked at him with a gleeful expression and rosy cheeks, speaking in his most kawaii voice.

“I am waiding fur cwass to start!! Tank you fur supwying these wunderfu snacks!”

He gave Snape a wink, whom bent down and kissed Ron again, harder on the eyeball.

“Stupid boy, you know how to get to me.”

Snape them cleared his throat,

“Anyway, Mr. Weasley, these walnuts and bananas you are eating aren’t food. They are your final class project. Do you remember that you were tasked with transforming your classmates into food and the food back into your classmates? Well, this is what this is. The first group of students volunteered to be fruits to get extra credit. **_It seems that you have already eaten half the class here!_** ”

Ron froze, already prepared to snarf down a few more bites of a dean Thomas-shaped waffle.

“M-my cwassmates?” he said with another wink.

“You stupid fool! This is no time for cutesiness!” Snape roared as he smashed the book hard on Ron’s 3 fingered left hand.

“ _OWWW!_ I’m so sowwy…”

Snape grabbed Ron hard by the hair.

“And, **_what the hell happened to our meeting?_** Our plan to _END_ Harry Potter and Dumbledore once and for all?”

“I thought we were meeting over Zoom-“

“ **You fool!** You know I don’t have _internet!_ I said Hogsmeade, last Monday, at 10am! We were supposed to have pumpkin pasties!”

“Wow, I didn’t know you liked pumpkin pasties Mr. teacher!”

“That is _NOT THE POINT_ , Mr. Weasley! I have no appetite for anything now-“

_**Changius-into-butterbiscuitus!** _

Before Snape could finish, there was a harsh light and a shout. Ron looked into the haze left by the spell, to find a Snape-shaped butterbiscuit lying on the floor. In front of it was the Boy Who Lived.

Ron burped up another frog and a part of a Goyle-shaped cookie.

“Hermione!”

“I’M HARRY, you dumb bloke!” Harry shouted at the bloated red-haired man-child.

“I-I’m so glad to see y-you–“ Ron cried as he stood up from the chair and gave Harry a hug.

“I thought I might have e-eaten you!” He wept, his tears falling upon Harry’s shoulder like a heavy sludge.

Harry grimaced and pushed Ron away.

“What the hell are you talking about? Ugh, I don’t care. Anyway, you were supposed to pray to me this morning, but I SAW YOU DIDN’T. You dare to disrespect the Boy Who Lived?”

“No! Please forgive me!” and Ron ran to hug Harry.

**“NO, STAY BACK YOU GROSS SWEATY THING!”**

But when Harry pushed Ron away, he tripped on the Snape biscuit and fell on the ground, hitting his head on a corner of a desk.

“Oh, no! Hawwy, are you ok?”

A dark reddish substance started to pool around Harry’s head. The Boy Who Lived Died Instantly.

“Hawwwy, it’s ok, you sleep! I’ll clean up this for you.”

And Ron used the remaining walnuts and bananas to soak up the blood around Harry’s head.

As Ron finished cleaning, the wizard bell rang.

“Ah, schools out! Finally, summer is here!”

But as Ron turned to run, he immediately forgot about Harry’s unmoving body and tripped over it on his way out. He fell out the door onto the quad. Just then Lupin was wandering around, harried, and sniffing for first years to eat. He noticed Ron lying on the grass.

“Mr. Weasley (he licked his lips) mighty fine seeing you here! Care to come to my office for some chocolate?”

Ron turned to look at Lupin and beamed.

**“Oh would I!”**

Lupin picked up Ron by the scruff of his shirt and carried him off into the distance.

**To be continued….**


End file.
